Megan is rolling around everywhere and grabbing at everything. Right now she is talking to her fist! : ) Patrick recognized his first sight word yesterday "the"! Yes sir, my little boy is starting to realize there is order in the chaos! I am so proud. I recieved a call from Sebastian's teacher to tell me that we are doing a good job with Sebastian. She expressed concerns about his reading and requested for him to go to an afterschool program to give him a little extra boost. She said that will help take the burden off me. Which is nice because this house is the definition of controlled chaos. We always have an order to things it's just a chaotic process getting it all done.

My mouth is feeling a little better. My jaw is still sore. Monday is the "TRIAL". I hope it goes in my favor. You never know. I don't have a lawyer. I don't know if he has witnesses or not. I don't. Who am I going to ask. My mom and brother won't have the time to take off school and work to go to Detroit and sit half the day.

Must go save Megan from herself. She is very distraught that she can't fit her whole shirt in her mouth. Oh dear, what will she do?

My husband is driving me nuts. I may just leave him if he doesn't go to work soon. He acts like it's too much to do if I ask him to feed Megan and make lunch for the kids. I don't stop my whole life to talk on the phone, why does he. Then if I try to give him tips he tells me I'm criticizing him. It's such a simple thing, heat the bottle up while you make the sandwiches then put sandwiches on table feed baby. How hard is that? He can't do it. He gets all flustered when he has to let Megan cry for five minutes while he is doing something. Then he gets mad at me. Like it's my fault he can't multitask.

He tells me he'll be able to handle it if I'm not here. That he does fine without me. Then why is it when I go out and get fifteen phone calls while I'm out asking where things are and how to do things? Why? If he he's mister know it all.

My daughter is crying. Must go. Maybe one day my dear husband will realize that it's not so difficult if he takes a suggestion every now and again!

Guess what? I bought 3 pairs of pants today that were a size 8. Woo-hoo. I know I'll never be a size 6 again but at least I'm out of the double digits. What the hell are "yoga" pants. I bought these pants that claim to be "yoga" pants but look just like the pants I knock around the house in. They are comfy though.

I'm going to try and get my haircut tomorrow and eyebrows done. I haven't had my eyebrows done in a year. Pregnancy makes your nerve endings more sensitive and there is no way I was going to put myself through any more torture! This way I'll look half way decent in front of the judge.

Everything has been going along pretty well. I hate to say it because I'll jinx myself. Kris and I are getting along much better lately. Despite his temper tantrum this morning where he tore up his pharmacology notes and declared he was quitting only to sit down and study for two hours after I taped them back together.  Men. I think the pressure is starting to build. I suggessted he take the summer off to regroup before starting Wayne State. He has taken a semester off in two years! He needs to.

Megan is getting so big. I just bought her six new outfits for spring/summer.  They are so cute. I may just take her up to Wal-mart tomorrow or Penny's and get her picture's done this weekend. She had a little taste of rice cereal today. She did pretty good. I just think I should hold off a few more weeks because she really likes to suck and it seems like she needs to.  She grabs things now and puts them up to her face. She hasn't rolled over yet. She does roll side to side and try to sit her self up when you lie her on her back. Someone said she had gorgeous eyes. I think so. They are freakin' huge. Colby's weren't even that big! Oh, and she sucks her two left fingers.

Colby is ready to potty train. His doctor said it's a little early but take the chair out and let him get used to it. He's talking more. He still doesn't get that I'm mommy not dadeeeeee. He says "sastin", "hug", "daddee", "sissy", "stinky", I know there's more but I can't think of any right now.

Pat and Sebastian are doing okay. Pat is a little confused about what is going on but I have been talking to him so hopefully we won't cause to much damage. Sebastian's mom decided to take off last night instead of hanging out with her son she hadn't seen in three weeks. Yeah, she is "mother of  the year"! She is such a sad person. What the hell is going through her head? She doesn't get to see him, but on weekends and she can't even do that.

I think my beautiful daughter pooped. Must go do diaper duty and take the pizza away from my son since he is using it as a projectile!

Justin has been telling Pat that Kris and I aren't his family. That Colby, Megan, and Sebastian are not his siblings. I have been dealing with a child who one moment feels mommy is going to disappear and then the next hates me and doesn't want me! Only daddy.

I found out an interesting fact; Pat spends the night with Justin and his "girlfriend" at her apartment! Pat sleeps on the floor. You know the women who said she wasn't Pat's babysitter. The one Justin is in counseling with! Wouldn't you bail if you were in counseling BEFORE you were even married!?

Then he tried to tell me this was all my fault because I threatened him with court. Yeah, I said talk to a mediator to resolve the situation. I was never going to ask for sole custody like he did. It's my fault. Then he gets all pissy because I objected to what he said and got a hearing date for Friday. Poor baby has to spend more money. Well, he wouldn't have to spend any money if he would learn the word "compromise" and didn't call me a bad mother. None of this would be going on if he realized that he is unable to give Pat the care and attention he needs due to his girlfriend and job. Oh, but he has to work at that particular job. Blah blah blah.

A little rant and I'll go back into hiding....

Some parents need to get a grip. Helloooooo! Babies are suppossed to cry. That's there job. You CAN NOT TRAIN THEM! Most of the women I hear this from are yuppies who think there babies are part of the checklist. Career....check.....husband....check.....house....check.....2.5 children to train with the dog.....check.

My children have never been trained and they have eventually slept through the night, got off the bottle, learned to walk, talk, and potty train! When they cried I held them. That's how they COMMUNICATE. What the hell is wrong with people? Babies cry. They CAN'T talk dumbasses.

Megan goes to sleep when her body tells her to. If she needs me to get up 4:30am and talk and coo with her then I will. She has no idea what time it is. I keep all the lights down and hold her until she goes back to sleep. What the hell is more important then spending a half and hour listening to a baby coo!

This is what's wrong with society. Children are NOT puppies, you don't own them and you can't train them!!!!! You are their guide. You are to teach them how to be adults. No wonder so many kids turn away from their parents, they don't have the nurturing they need.

I wish I could curl under my blanket and go to sleep. Everything that is going on on top of this horrible emptiness. I took Pat to school the first day and all I could think is how unfair that I didn't get to do this with Kyle. I feel so selfish for wanting him here when I have 3 thriving children. I went through my day to day in a haze. I took Pat to school, came home and slept, then his Grandpa came and got him and I went back to sleep. I only woke up to feed the baby. I had Colby but he played on the floor. Why can't things be easy? I'm trying hard not to just shrivel away under all this. I'm trying to be strong but some days it's just so freakin' hard. Lately, I've just felt so weak. I don't know how to get my strength back.

I know for the sake of Pat I need to stay level and keep the emotion behind but I swear there are days where I would love to pumble Justin.

He went and filed for SOLE custody of Pat. After I told him I was interested in JOINT custody. He told his lawyer that he was "fearful" I wouldn't let him around Pat if I took him. What the fuck! I don't understand where that came from. I asked where the hell he got that idea from. They had a preschool class 5 minutes down the road from me M,W,F, I said NO. My reason was it would cut into his time with his DAD.

My daughter cried for two hours last night. Straight. I rocked her, held her, fed her, talked to her, begged and pleaded with her but she still would not stop. Finally I turned every light off and put in a relaxing cd. I put her in her Snugli and stuck a pacifer in her mouth. She went right to sleep. I thought I would loose my mind. It wouldn't have been bad if I hadn't had a stressful day with Colby and Pat.

Colby decided to throw a tantrum everytime we turned around. Over everything. I put him in the playpen for a short time out because he just refused to listen. He spent alot of time crying. He wasn't crying over anything but he just cried. Then Pat decided he wouldn't listen either. I spent alot of my day telling him to chill out or he'd end up in his room. He spent a total of 2 hours in his room over the course of the day.

By the end of the night I wanted to pull my hair out. I think they did it just to see how far they could push me before I ended up in the corner rocking back and forth.

Kris and I folded laundry last night. Woo-hoo! He refolded everything in Sebastian's drawers because when I tell him to put his clothes away he interprets that to mean wad them up and shove them in there. I had to go through Pat's because Sebastian put his away. Colby had no room in his drawers and I even put some stuff away. I have the least amount of clothes. Is that any suprise. I have the least amount of everything.

Pat starts pre-k tommorrow. I have all these weird thoughts going through my head. I'll get over it. I have to go rock in the corner. Megan is crying. AGAIN! Can't wait till she's six months old.

Kris took off again. I wish that man would spend one weekend with us. During the week I'm going to get all the laundry done and everything so he has no excuse to leave. He'll probablly find one. I hate being here with the kids, alone, 7 days a week. He's here at night but that's only for 3 hours and I do most of the work. I make dinner, do my rounds, then get everyone in bed. Then after everyone is in bed I do the dishes and clean the mess up from the day.

Colby is entering the I'm going to cry everytime I don't get my way stage. Which is trying. After 10 hours of it you tend to get exhausted. I don't remember Pat doing this. I think it's memory blockage. I think I chose not to remember so I wouldn't run far away when Colby was born. It just seems everything is changing so fast. It's starting to scare me.

The other day I went and bought Pat school clothes and I had to go to the boys section. Boys not toddlers. Tuesday he starts preschool. I can't believe it. Yesterday when I was in the bathroom I kept having little panic attacks. One thought was if they were going to let Pat go to the bathroom when he needs to? Will he tell them? Will he cry everytime I leave or will he go smoothly with the transition. Is he going to be angry that I'm leaving him there with people he doesn't know? I'm trying to keep my nerves in check so he doesn't get freaked.

Colby is entering the bullheaded stage where he doesn't want to listen to anyone. Then cries if you scold him. I hate this age. It is the most trying on your patience. This is the age where you contemplate drinking to take the edge off! Kris asked me if I was going to start potty training. Ha! I'll wait a few months. He's showing signs but I'm just not ready. I figure once we move I will start.

Still haven't heard anything from Justin. He hasn't even called to talk to Pat. I don't know if I should be worried. I'm going to email him later and see if he can pick Pat up at my mom's on Thursday because I can't drive all the way to his house. It's too far and I have to be there when Sebastian gets home.

I guess I should eat while Megan is sleeping.